The Ten Best Tools Of All Time
THE TEN BEST TOOLS OF ALL TIME By J. William Lam, Stockton,
CA
Forget the Snap-On Tools truck; it's never there when you
need it. Besides, there are only ten things in this world
you need to fix any car, any place, any time.
1. Duct Tape: Not just a tool, a veritable Swiss Army knife
in stickum and plastic. It's safety wire, body material,
radiator hose, upholstery, insulation, tow rope, and more
in one easy-to-carry package. Sure, there's a prejudice
surrounding duct tape in concourse competitions, but in
the real world everything from Le Mans - winning Porsches
to Atlas rockets uses it by the yard. The only thing that
can get you out of more scrapes is a quarter and a phone
booth.
2. Vice-Grips: Equally adept as a wrench, hammer, pliers,
baling wire twister, breaker-off of frozen bolts, and wiggle-it-till-it-falls
off tool. The heavy artillery of your toolbox, Vice Grips
are the only tool designed expressly to fix things screwed
up beyond repair.
3. Spray Lubricants: A considerably cheaper alternative
to new doors, alternators, and other squeaky items. Slicker
than pig phlegm. Repeated soakings of WD-40 will allow the
main hull bolts of the Andrea Dora to be removed by hand.
Strangely enough, an integral part of these sprays is the
infamous little red tube that flies out of the nozzle if
you look at it cross-eyed, one of the ten worst tools of
all time.
4. Margarine Tubs With Clear Lids: If you spend all your
time under the hood looking for a frendle pin that caromed
off the peedle valve when you knocked both off the air cleaner,
it's because you eat butter. Real mechanics consume pounds
of tasteless vegetable oil replicas, just so they can use
the empty tubs for parts containers afterward. (Some, of
course, chuck the butter-colored goo altogether or use it
to repack wheel bearings.) Unlike air cleaners and radiator
lips, margarine tubs aren't connected by a time/space wormhole
to the Parallel Universe of Lost Frendle Pins.
5. Big Rock At The Side Of The Road: Block up a tire. Smack
corroded battery terminals. Pound out a dent. Bop nosy know-it-all
types on the noodle. Scientists have yet to develop a hammer
that packs the raw banging power of granite or limestone.
This is the only tool with which a "made in India"
emblem is not synonymous with the user's maiming.
6. Plastic Zip Ties: After twenty years of lashing down
stray hoses and wired with old bread ties, some genius brought
a slightly slicked up version to the auto parts market.
Fifteen zip ties can transform a hulking mass of amateur-quality
rewiring from a working model of the Brazilian rain forest
into something remotely resembling a wiring harness. Of
course, it works both ways. When buying used cars, subtract
$ 100.00 for each zip tie under the hood.
7. Ridiculously Large Standard Screwdriver With Lifetime
Guarantee: Let's admit it. There's nothing better for prying,
chiseling, lifting, breaking, splitting, or mutilating than
a huge flat-bladed screwdriver, particularly when wielded
with gusto and a big hammer. This is also the tool of choice
for oil filters so insanely located they can only be removed
by driving a stake in one side and out the other. If you
break the screwdriver - and you will, just like Dad or your
shop teacher said - who cares? It's guaranteed.
8. Bailing Wire: Commonly known as MG muffler brackets,
bailing wire holds anything that's too hot for tape or ties.
Like duct tape, it's not recommended for concourse contenders
since it works so well you'll never replace it with the
right thing again. Bailing wire is a sentimental favorite
in some circles, particularly with MG, Triumph, and flathead
Ford set.
9. Bonking Stick: - This monstrous tuning fork with devilishly
pointy ends is technically known as a tie-rod-end separator,
but how often do you separate tie-ends? Once every decade,
if you're lucky. Other than medieval combat, its real use
is the all purpose application of undue force, not unlike
that of the huge flat-bladed screwdriver. Nature doesn't
know the bent metal panel or frozen exhaust pipe that can
stand up to a good bonking stick. (Can also be used to separate
tie-rod ends in a pinch, of course, but does a lousy job
of it).
10. A Quarter and a Phone Booth: See #1 above.
PRINTED COURTESY OF THE MORRIS MINOR REGISTRY
